May you be Light, May you be Love, May you be Peace.

Lorene Lydia Farrell, Lisa's mom

Today is the day she was placed to rest and also the day she was born.

My mother would have been 70 today.
4 years ago today we laid her to rest.
She is forever our angel.
May you be Light, May you be Love, May you be Peace.
May you be Light, May you be Love, May you be Peace. Mom. 5-17-42 to 5-7-08. Laid to rest at DFW National Memorial 5-17-08. A Blue Spruce recently planted near her marker, her favorite tree. A surprise gift from God. 
I have not cried like this in 4 years. My father, a widower, and a pretty good guy all around, came in to work today, in our office. A usual day. Neither one of us spoke of mom. Then as the tasks got completed, he mentioned cautiously, casually, that today was her birthday. Yep I said.  I was suppose to go to volunteer at Field Day. Too many tasks, I didn’t leave the office. Very unlike me to make a commitment and totally blow it off.
I texted a friend, Sarah, as the eclipse is approaching, making plans for meditation with Shiva Rea this weekend. I asked her to lift me up, and to hold space for me, as well. She responded that she was unusually depressed and did not have a reason. Her mother suggested perhaps she needed to pray for a friend. Then she read my text. I disclosed that this was a significant day for me. She knew. 
Yesterday…
I went to the chiropractor, a new type of treatment, soft tissue work, facia and breaking up of junk that I didn’t want to admit was still there.
Tuesday…
I spent at least an hour on the phone with a friend and mentor and high vibration sister, Kristin. We got deep into conversation about the Venus retrograde, and all the stuff that is coming up in our lives is clearing space for us to move forward into a huge awakening. Making space for transformation. BURNING out all that doesn’t resonate on the higher vibration of existence. However, the need to remain grounded into This Reality, is critical as we ae living on the physical plane, therefore must reside in the lower chakras to thrive on Earth. This also affects the ability to have financial control and retain money.
 Monday…
I went to my studio and the power was shut off. Oncore came in and literally shut it off during my teacher’s class. No warning. Off. No hot yoga this morning! WTF!!!
So, I took my mat out to the field out back, turned on my Mac, signed everyone into class and we did Surya Namaskar facing the East, just like Ramaswami taught me.
Then I held a Lifecoaching session for a student and friend, in the humid air by the window inside the studio with morning light.
She had a breakthrough moment. The light behind the clouds always shines through.
I went home to figure out what happened to my power. The electric company said they didn’t get my regular payment, which used to be on autopay. No warning, no letter, no call; simply  just cut me off the grid.  AND it won’t be on again until I pay them $1000 plus my bill. CASH via a debit card. Now my check isn’t even good with them. Perfect credit history, one F up and
***BAM***
Tears of frustration.
Of grief. No, can’t be. Im fine.
Im just angry at the electric company.
No hot yoga tonight.
Creative financing by my lovely husband, but no power for 24 hours! Im angry very angry. I cry out in front of my teenage boy. He consoles me. Im just mad at the electric company.
Back to the studio.
Yoga in the meadow, instead of Hot yoga. Then my next class, Fluid Power 101 became Surya Namaskar facing West, to watch the setting sun.
Again, the sun peeks out from behind the clouds. This time I listened to the pulse of the Universe and gave thanks as I faced my students with the amber glow of sunset on their cheeks, bits of wildflowers stuck in my hair, an ant bite and truly GAVE THANKS.
Thank you for taking away my power.
Thank you for giving my power back in such a more meaningful way.

A gift of Savasana in the wildflower meadow.

Last weekend… A tiny knot, the size of a pea appeared on my traps, just below my neck. Weird. Cant meditate. Running. What is that I heard? Greif? NO… I FREAKING DEAL WITH THAT SHIT 4 YEARS AGO.
I’M FINE!!! 
Mother’s Day was last weekend. Thats cool. It is totally unrelated.
RUN don’t look back RUN. 
Back to yesterday. So that soft tissue work, WHOA MOMMA. I had some crap up in there. I havent been that SORE since I took class with Bryan Kest in early 2010 when I totally gave my everything in the front row… with no one to  see or to compare myself with, drishdi on the wall right before me with 150 yogis, yet no one else was there. I felt my edge. I was healing.
So, here it is.
Today.
Well, yesterday, now. 4 years ago to the hour, as my Dad pointed out, and we decided to go back to her memorial, as we wrap up early in the office. We decide to go today, unplanned, to make the trek to the DFW National Memorial for the first time in over 3 years. We both pass it ALL THE TIME on the highway. Literally, several times a month. Never stopped. Nope. I’M FINE!!! Oh, yeah, Its pretty. Its grassy and clean and has a little lake. But why go there? She isn’t there anyway. No need. Passing by. Pushing the feeling welling up in my heart STUFF IT BACK DOWN. Im fine. I can see to drive, I had something in my eye. Damn traffic is too close. Wipe it away.  DRIVE ON.
Well, today is the day. Me and my dad.
Yep. Im ready. Im tired of stuffing my heart felt grief down down. I have too much evidence that this is it. I am ready to remove this ROADBLOCK. This is the only thing in my way to freedom.
Im ready.
I feel enlightened. I need to finish up last minute phone calls in the car on the way… I can feel the shift already happening… I wrap up this business, I call my friend Michelle. I take a wrong turn, and my dad, who’s following me pulls me over. ‘What the heck are you doing? Get off the phone!
Follow me’, Dad said.
I did.
We pulled in to the beautiful Memorial park.
…CRAP THERE IS THAT FEELING…
big swallow. wheres my water bottle anyway. what row is it? I don’t remember that tree. which row? Oh crap. There.
No.
Yes.
Go.
Ok, so now the 4 years of tears. My Daddy’s soft shoulder, holding on. Boo-hoo-hoo ing and I don’t care who hears me. I held on like his little girl.
my mommy is gone from this plane. she isn’t in that little box. maybe I can ask them to open it and I can get some more ashes to plant under another tree. they won’t do that. i don’t remember picking out that cross with the heart in it. was this bench here or is it new.
Tears tears tears.
Releasing.
Freedom.
Its ok.
She’s not gone.
He let go. Not of me. Of her. 
I cried for him too.
And for my sister, Denise.
Im free.
She’s free.
She’s been waiting to set me free.
I went to get my phone out of my car to take a picture, and felt I needed to leave something. I found my daughter’s tiny wooden butterfly craft she just painted. I placed it there under her marker.
She always loved butterflies.

The Butterfly under the Grave. Nana Farrell and her Granddaughter.

I believe in miracles.
I believe in Wishes Fulfilled.
I believe that when I believe it is already done.
And so it is. 
AHO!
Join me in Reiki + meditation + a blessing.
Infinite light surrounds you. Infinite Love Enfolds you. Infinite Wisdom guided you. Infinite Power courses through you.
Wherever you are God is.
So be it.
Namaste.
~Lisa~
5/17/12
*Wishes Fulfilled by Dr. Wayne Dyer~ recommended reading
Share

The Musings of an Uncomfortable Yogini

FeelingsI am practicing balance in my life.
While this seems like it may be easy or obvious, I realize that I am truly mistaken.
To create balance we must first step back and observe the imbalance. As with everything on this plane of existence, it all has its equal and opposing force. That is the beauty of life. When we become out of balance it is difficult to see the beauty around us and in ourselves for the obstacles that are in our path.
How do we know when we are in balance unless we first experience imbalance. By checking in with discomfort in something or someone or ourselves, without judgment, we can appreciate when we are comforted and comfortable.
What is discomfort? Why does human nature crave comfort? Comfort =nurturing= care= love. Perhaps then discomfort= lacking= not desirable = labeled bad by society, even judged.
The uncomfortable are the ones that suffer. Ah, yes this brings us to the study of Yoga. Suffering is the cause of all discomfort. The Bhagavad Gita states:
Sufferings or freedom from it is desirable, yes? So this leads into exploring desire, another human want. As I struggle with my eight year old daughter and her discomfort of her wardrobe choices I reflect about her desires to change her clothes. After deciding that corporal punishment is not the best solution for her total meltdown in the back seat of the car, I reflect.
I’m actually the observer this time. I’m able to see this situation without getting my emotions all wrapped up and entwined in the situation. However, I ask myself why does my daughter seem to let this discomfort of the situation (right now it happens to be her itchy, hot leggings) rule her? What can I do? Do I question my ability as a parent? Do I do nothing and drive on? I choose action, as she must get out of the car and go to third grade, wet eyes, un-brushed hair and all.
I park and get out, open her door and wonder if she might be embarrassed if her friends think she was crying. My heart melts a bit, but this is her creation, she must live it through. I send her on her way with a loving pat, and the helpful hand of a teacher walking past, and drive away.
I begin to muse about our human nature. What IS reality? Is it what we perceive? Why do we fight it? Reality just is!
Parenting is never easy or simple, but it is so valuable; raising ‘small people’ as we call them, to become healthy, strong, happy, kind and productive citizens of society. As in yoga, we are always the student, in parenting the child may be our teacher.
We may be in for a bit more discomfort down this long, unpaved road. As I travel my path, I will seek to find that balance weekly, daily, hourly, One foot in front of the other, the middle way.

Share